afraid of living & dying
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Are you afraid of dying? The last time I was afraid of dying was during the 921 earthquake.
At that time, I was working in a small advertising company. It was pretty boring, but the workload was light - I was only busy about one or two weeks out of every month. And the money was pretty good: I was getting paid about $50,000NTD a month. It wasn’t my dream job, and I knew it at the time, but I was saving money. And I was learning a few things and “getting experience,” even though it was in a field I wasn’t particularly interested in. But I was young, and I still felt I had my whole life ahead of me. So it was easy for me to stay where I was.
The night of the 921 earthquake, I was on the internet. My roommates were asleep. The building began to shake, and the power suddely went out. Books and glasses started to fall, and the windows started to shudder. We were on the sixth floor, and it seemed the building was going to collapse. I thought, “This is the end.” There was no time left in my life, and nowhere to run. There was nothing I could do - so I just gave up. I knelt on the floor of our apartment, and I froze there. As I waited for the end to come, I prayed to God. And hoped that my life wouldn’t end – even though I felt as if it would. The whole world was moving, but I stopped moving because there was nowhere for me to go. And everything was in darkness - including me.
I remember that darkness the most. During those long minutes, I couldn’t see anything, not even myself. But I could feel my heart. And at first I felt fear - because like most people, I didn’t want to die. But then almost immediately after that, I was overwhelmed with regret. My life was going to end, and I was asking myself, “What have I done with my life?” And the answer was “Nothing much, really.” I felt like I’d wasted what I’d been given – as if I hadn’t really lived at all. And that made me feel like nothing.
I obviously didn’t die that night. But in the darkness, I saw a part of myself pretty clearly. I was putting off my dreams because it was easy and safe. I was avoiding my life, and taking the easy road – and giving excuses to myself to stay on it. Today, I’m in a different job – one that I like much more. I had to try a couple different jobs before I found it, but it was worth it. Today I work a little more, and I make a little less money, and I save a little less money, but I’m happier. And I know that the future is not as important as today. I know that the choices to follow our happiness are always there – if only we can discover them and have the courage to live them. Because if we do not live them now, one day it will be too late to live them at all.
Am I afraid of dying now? No. But I am afraid of not having lived a good life before I die.
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