models of life success
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Conventional Success is suffering.
In the country I live in, most students study a lot. They get to school at 7:30, stay there until 4 or 5, and then after that, if their parents can afford it, they go to a cram school (which is where I work). Many students even go to cram schools on the weekends. The first 22 years of their lives are centered around school. And as anyone can see, the majority of students are not very happy, don’t learn very much of value, and they live stressful, mostly unfulfilling lives. The only thing they may like about school is friends.
I ask my students, “Why do you study so hard?”
They say, “So I can get good grades.”
“Why do you want good grades?”
“So I can get into a good university.”
“Why do you want to do that?”
“So I can get a good job.”
“Why do you want to get a good job?”
“So I can make money, of course!”
If they follow any model of success at all, most students (although fortunately, not all) follow this one – because it is the ones their parents are pushing them on. To sum up, this model goes something like this:
Study hard => To get good grades => To get into a good university => To get a good job => To make more money => To have a better life => Success.
Success here is meant the way most people tend to define it – achieving the “American Dream,” “the good life,” or “having it all”: the house, the car, the yard, being able to buy most of the things you would ever want, and being able to do whatever you want. And somewhere around the “make more money” stage, parents also hope that their children can get married, so that they can start a family and have children of their own. Then their children can start the cycle all over again.
Develop your Self - not your grades.
But I do not believe the universe or human society is set up in such a way that the only way you can conventionally succeed in life is by following this one path. Two of the richest people in the world, Mr. Bill Gates of Microsoft and Mr. Steve Jobs of Apple, didn’t even finish university. And if you asked the top 100 richest people in the world how they succeeded, none of them would answer, “Because I studied hard and got good grades,” or “Because I got into a good university,” or even, “Because I got a good job after I graduated.” They will not attribute their success to such ordinary things. But of course, very few teachers and schools are going to tell you that.
Now, you may say that neither you nor your child are as naturally smart as Mr. Gates or Mr. Jobs, so ordinary folks like us have to suffer through the school system. But that would be assuming that the only way to be rich and successful is to be extremely smart. And most of us know that not all rich and successful people are extremely smart. What then, is the secret to conventional success? If we look at the rich and successful people around us, we might observe that many have certain personal qualities or skills that others lack:
The ability to identify opportunities and pitfalls, and to act upon them. Long-term vision. Great attention to detail. Good judgment and decision-making ability. Excellent social, verbal, or communicative skills. A deep understanding of people and human nature. The creative ability to solve problems, conflicts, or crises. Expert knowledge in a specialized field, or general knowledge of many fields. Efficient time and personal management. High emotional intelligence. Intuition. Self-discipline, self-control, independence, will-power, and drive. Trustworthiness and dependability. Courage, charisma, and passion. A great attitude.
There are probably more, but you get the picture. Don’t these personal qualities seem a lot more important and valuable than good grades? If I were selecting a new employee, a business partner, or even a friend or lover, I’d rather choose a person with more of these qualities rather than someone with good grades. To survive in an increasingly competitive global economy, you and your children need more of these kinds of personal qualities, because it is these qualities that help people make money, pursue happiness, and live a more fulfilling life. Not better grades.
Fortunately for you, not many people have these assets in abundance. That’s why it’s hard to imagine one person having many of them in great quantity. Unfortunately, almost none of these qualities are emphasized, much less taught, in school – which is why so few people do have them in abundance. So if I am ever a parent, I won’t be working overtime to make more money so that I can send my kids to the best schools. I’d rather spend my time trying to help them cultivate these personal qualities – not pushing them to study hard and get good grades. The 22 years of life before your child enters the workforce should be focused on personal development - and not wasted in the trivial pursuit of grades. The goal should be achieving overall personal excellence, not academic excellence.
As an example, let’s compare the practical value of good communication skills and a good grade in math. Excellent communication skills can be applied in various situations every day of your child’s life, with classmates, family, lovers, friends, strangers, co-workers, and bosses; whereas nobody, including the child, will care about the “A” on the first day at their job. When was the last time you thought about your math grades at work?
No wonder so many students have a difficult time forcing themselves to study: they probably don’t really see the connection between getting good grades and real life. And in truth, there isn’t that much connection at all. When problems and setbacks occur in your life, excellent communication skills with others will be much more valuable than the math you know. How you live your life, and how people treat you and remember you, will depend a lot on your communication skills – but very little on your math. Personal qualities are assets that can be used for a lifetime throughout a lifetime, while your grades become obsolete after you graduate. While math is obviously useful in some aspects of life, I believe there are other subjects that are equally as valuable, if not more so - and they are almost invisible in schools. How often do you use your math every day, compared to your communication skills?
An alternative path to success.
So my model might go something like this:
Develop personal qualities => To work better => Success => Money + Happiness => A better life.
In this model, success would flow from work, and money would flow from success, which would result in a better life. This model is inverted compared to the traditional model. Instead of studying for grades which would lead to a better job, we would study and develop personal qualities which would enable us to work and live more successfully. Instead of working for money in order to achieve success, we would work for personal success, which would bring money.
Now let’s go back to the traditional, one path of success model:
Study hard => To get good grades => To get into a good university => To get a good job => To make more money => To have a better life => Success.
When I look again at this model, it now seems not only incorrect, but also uninspired, rigid, shortsighted, inhumane, spiritually stunting, and even dangerous. I graduated from university more than 10 years ago, and I’m only analyzing this problem and writing about it now because I believe this “good grades-leads-to-a-good-life” model creates a lot of unnecessary stress, anxiety, and negativity in the lives of my students, as well as the parents I know. I feel that both the parents and children who follow these models, experience so little joy in their lives. Because they don’t really have the time or the reason to be joyful - their joy is supposed to come after success is achieved, in some far off time in the distant future when they have “made it”.
This is why parents who follow this model are generally not very happy people – and neither are their children. When parents only focus on money, and children only focus on grades, both believing that this is the only path to success and a good life, then life becomes filled with pressure and worry, because there is so little room for failure. To fail early in this model, is to fail later in life. They think there is no other way and no other model for success in life - and they believe this because everyone around them is following the same model, too.
And the ironic tragedy is, parents truly believe they’re doing what’s best for their children, when I believe the actual reality is that they’re doing one of the worst things possible - but with the very best of intentions. Children feel pressure because parents give pressure, and parents give pressure because of love - because they just want the best for their children. But I just don’t believe that this is the only way to success or happiness.
If you are a follower of such a model, I am not asking that you abandon it for the “personal quality development” model that I’ve just come up with. It probably goes against everything you have ever been taught by your schools, and perhaps your parents as well – so I won’t be surprised if you reject it offhand. My model isn’t even a complete model; but I do believe it is part of a better alternative. Just merely consider that there cannot be only one path to success, for if there were, everybody would have followed it and become successful a long time ago. But I believe that for every destination in life, whether that destination be success, happiness, a particular job, or New York, there are many alternative paths to reach that given destination – and some of those paths may be faster, more enjoyable, and much more rewarding than the ones we have been following.
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