the source of beauty
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A dream of beauty.
I once dreamed of an old girlfriend of mine, who was quite a beautiful girl. It was nighttime, and she was in an office in a skyscraper, with windows all around. She was standing behind her desk, talking on the phone with a client. And she was alone, because everyone else had gone home.
And she was happy. I looked in her eyes, and I could tell that she was happy at her job, even though she was working overtime. She seemed happy about her whole life and about her whole self. And because of this, she looked confident, smart, gentle, capable, wise, kind, at peace, and as if she never worried about anything. Like she believed in herself, and that she could handle whatever problems came her way - unafraid of the present or the future. She looked like somebody you wanted to be around and get to know, because she was happy and you wanted to know how to be happy like her, too – or at least be touched by her happiness. She was a happy woman - the living definition of happiness. My girlfriend was all these things in the dream – but unfortunately, not in real life.
In the dream, she was beautiful like I’d never seen her beautiful before in real life. She was so beautiful, she glowed – because she was happy. And when she saw me, she smiled, held up a finger, and asked me to wait until she was finished on the phone. But I didn’t mind waiting a minute or an hour, because I just wanted to keep looking at how happy and beautiful she was. I don’t remember ever seeing a woman like that before in real life – someone who was genuinely happy. Maybe because most people in real life are not very happy. And as you get to know them better, they appear less than perfect, less than beautiful – because they are less than happy.
The reality of beauty.
Why do women want to be beautiful? Why do women like to shop so much for things that will make them more beautiful?
In the city I live in, urban women spend thousands of hours and billions of dollars shopping for the latest fashion, a more expensive brand name bag, a nicer piece of jewelry, a different hairstyle, or a better looking make up. Some women may have found a little more beauty, but few have found happiness – as you know from your own experience, women who care a lot about their looks are almost never satisfied with them. (That’s why the shopping never ends.)
A woman who depends on external accessories to feel beautiful, will always feel she needs something more, new, better, or different outside of herself to feel beautiful. Without these add-ons, it will be difficult for her to feel beautiful or happy with herself. In extreme cases, I have known women who were not able to leave their house unless they were “made up.” But even though accessories may create a good first impression, they cannot maintain a good lasting impression. They may help a woman attract a man, but they will not help her keep him. They can make her look beautiful, but they cannot make her be a more beautiful person. You do that, not the things outside of you. For in the end, these outer accessories are not you – you are you.
Many younger women believe that if they were more beautiful, they would be happier - they think beauty is their ticket to happiness. But a beautiful woman isn’t necessarily a happy woman; in my experience, the main difference between a beautiful woman and a “less beautiful” woman is that a beautiful woman is just happier with their looks. Yet this does not mean she is happy about her life, where it is going, or who she is as a person. This is why I think many beautiful women spend so much time on the way they look - it is the fastest, easiest way for her to feel good about herself.
Women value beauty because men value beauty.
The reason why women care about beauty is because men care about beauty. If there were no men on the planet, I’m pretty sure that women would spend much less time and energy on their looks. The reality is, beautiful women get more with their looks – and this “more” is given to them by men. More attention, more free dinners, more free (and expensive) gifts and jewelry, more free dates, more free trips - and of course, more free men. They get more leeway, more benefit of the doubt, more perks, and all around better service. The more beautiful a woman is, the more men she can get, and the more things she can get. Men just prefer beautiful women rather than less beautiful women – and they are willing to pay a higher price for them. And once they “get” her, they often try harder to keep her.
Many men would do and give a lot in order to be with a beautiful woman; many women also would do the same to be with a rich man. So it’s easier for the beautiful woman or the rich man to get what they want, and to have things done their way – because so many other people are willing to do things their way in order to be with them. If they have a reputation for high-maintenance, it is because others are willing to maintain them at a high cost to themselves. If they think the world revolves around them, it is because so many people are very willing to revolve around them.
And other people are willing to do so because they desire to possess beauty and money. This is why many beautiful women and rich men worry so much about losing their beauty or money – they know if they lose it, they will get treated differently, and that other people will desire them less. They feel their life will change for the worse. When that happens, they may feel they have lost “everything,” even though they have only lost their money or beauty, and nothing more. In their own eyes and the eyes of others, they will have become completely different people – even though they are still pretty much the same people.
Most women think men want physically beautiful women - and of course, they’re right. I’m attracted to physical beauty, myself – and in the past, sometimes helplessly so. But I also know that when you get into a relationship, you don’t get into a relationship with her beauty, you get into a relationship with a person. When you have to resolve a conflict, beauty will not be a part of the solution. When you need someone to control your finances and help raise your children together, her beauty will not be able to do that. When you need understanding, help, or support, her beauty is not going to provide you with that. And after ten or twenty years, her beauty will have changed completely, and the beauty that first attracted you to her may have disappeared altogether. So being with a beautiful woman is no guarantee of long-term happiness – and any beautiful movie actress who’s been married and divorced will tell you that. (Julia Roberts, Angelina Jolie, Nicole Kidman, Jennifer Aniston, etc.)
So of course, men want physical beauty – but this kind of beauty isn’t what we really need in order to be happy with a woman over the long-term. Yet most men value physical beauty more than other kinds of beauty – and if women also continue to do the same, then they become accomplices with men. If men are “shallow” and only focus on physical beauty, women help them stay shallow by conforming to men’s standards of beauty. As long as there are women who are willing to go out with men who desire them because of their beauty, there will always be shallow men.
The source of lasting beauty is happiness.
And if a woman uses her physical beauty to attract a man, or if she desires to be with a man who cares primarily about her beauty, then she should not be so surprised if she later loses the man when she no longer possesses her beauty – or when the man desires a change of beauty. If a relationship ends because the man seeks a younger, or different beautiful woman, you should have known that might have happened because that’s exactly the same reason why he fell for you. If he told you that you were so beautiful, is it any wonder if he later says exactly the same thing to another woman? Because the reality is, there are many beautiful women in the world, and to think that your physical beauty alone can satisfy a man for the rest of his life is… somewhat unrealistic. “Love at first sight” is often just beauty at first sight – and not really love at all. And if men are pigs, what does that say about the women who choose them? It is up to women to learn how to tell the difference between the pigs and the men. Stay with a pig, and no matter how good-looking or rich the pig, sooner or later you’ll find yourself head over heels in mud.
If a woman gambles on her physical beauty to deliver her happiness, she may profit in the short-term by catching a rich man, but she has a good chance of losing in the long-term. Because very few men who value physical beauty, also value old physical beauty – and so her value to such men will likely depreciate over time. If a woman wagers her life and happiness on a man using a shallow asset such as physical beauty for her leverage, she shouldn’t be surprised if she receives a shallow return on her investment. A beautiful woman can attract many men, but the men she attracts are mostly the ones who desire her because she is beautiful. So she should choose very wisely, and extremely carefully.
But I believe all women have the potential to be exceptionally beautiful – if they would dwell not on their beauty, but on their happiness. The ex-girlfriend in my dream showed me that beauty is not the source of beauty – happiness is the source of beauty. The happier a person is, the more beautiful they become – because happiness is beautiful. And we all know the opposite is true also: the unhappier a person is, the less beautiful they become. If a physically beautiful woman is selfish, cynical, unkind, controlling, or manipulative, then she will become less beautiful in the eyes of man-y. Because no matter how beautiful a woman is, few men want to be with a “b****”. Inner beauty always affects outer beauty – because in the end, a person is never simply just a body or a face, but a total person.
It is said that “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder,” but I also say that beauty is in the heart of the beheld. The power to be beautiful lies not just with the eyes of men and other people, but also in the happiness of women and yourself. You may not be able to choose your physical beauty, but you can choose the state of your heart. And your happiness will affect your beauty and how others see you. Given the choice between two women of equal looks but unequal happiness, most people would choose the happier of the two to be their classmate, co-worker, boss, mother, daughter, friend, or lover. So if a woman would be beautiful, perhaps she might consider focusing on being happy in her life.
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